Saturday, December 20, 2008

dear vindictive assholes...

didnt you see?
im at the fucking bottom,
clawing desperately,
standing in the dead and rotten.

manipulation only gets you so far,
the person who i am declares victory,
your eyes shall avert when you enter the stars,
while i stare into the light and stand in its glory!

did you hear?
my attempts at silence to preserve,
it was oh so clear,
and now you get what you deserve.

so sit and stare at what you created
build those hollow walls no more!
no longer can it be debated
im severed and clever, no more!

how far will you get using people to your own means?
how long till you just stop and fucking think!
your father predicates your world now
see how you reap what you sow?

can you feel?
the life that flows through those veins
or are you dead
to everything you had to gain?

manipulation only gets you so far,
the person who i am declares victory,
your eyes shall avert when you enter the stars,
while i stare into the light and stand in its glory!

now im rising and you are falling
now im laughing and you are crying
but daddy, but daddy, he was mean to me.
but daddy, but daddy, he was the one

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

as i sit here alone at the place i work. so many people around. so few that know my name. i think about the happenings of the past year of my life. so good, so bad, and now so blessed. despite all the bad, i see the good, i ask for nothing more. the silver lining in the dark cloud.

i have made the change. everything has happened so quickly. in and out of peoples homes, good roommates, and bad ones. i see know that it was my own immaturity that was holding be back now that i have accepted this as a person it all i seem to be coming together. we will see very soon exactly how this all emerges into the world. my mind is willing to do what must be done to further myself in maturity and this world.

i will no longer struggle. i feel i have found a place where i belong. a place that perhaps, just maybe, i will belong until the time is right to fly....

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

blah

im blah today. the more time away from home the more i realize about myself and the actions i have taken in the past. the mistakes become like sore thumbs in the aftermath of a hammer. they throb with a dull ache. yet i still feel hope for tomorrow. that makes me live on. this hope is what i cling to, even when i see myself recreating the same relationships in a different state with a different type of people.

most never try to understand me. today at work when i made a very smartass comment about worshipping satan. one of the gentlemen i work with said, "you might as well be gay." i just chuckled and walked away. the sarcastic version of hatred that i have repudated for the last few years is merely the beginning.

i have been accepted to a little community college with full student loans. i will be graduating next year with my associates degree. then on to my bachelors. i finally feel ready to begin and not be distracted by anything. no more relationships. no more roommates. there is only work and school. time to be completely alone for 5 years while i achieve what i must so i do not waste my mind doing something that matters absolutely nothing to anyone but me.